IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE TO ESCAPE OUR PAST?

Many topics I write about are based on self-reflection; at times, perhaps too much so. This blog has never been about carefree, happy subjects. Nevertheless; if you are being truly candid, you can only write based on your life’s experiences. For some of us; there seems to be more tribulation than triumphs. Which brings me to the subject of my post: Can we ever really leave our past behind us? Let me first acknowledge how lucky people are who come from a family situation that has always been loving, supportive and functional for the most part. I did not come from such a family. As you get older, you are more apt to acknowledge what you may not have been prone to openly admit in your younger years. Many years ago I watched a great movie starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt called, ‘As Good As It Gets.’ The following exchange occurred on a road trip between two of the main characters. I found that conversation very honest and enlightening, because frankly, when your familial history is one of dysfunction, you sometimes want to think everyone comes from similar circumstances; but as the character of Melvin Udall states: there are many happy people out there. In my case though, I am not angry at people who have mostly had it good…it is just not my story.

Carol Connelly (Helen Hunt’s character) “We all have these terrible stories to get over, and you….”

Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson’s character): “It’s not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story; good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.”

So; regarding the above…..can we ever really escape our past which a lot of times involves much dysfunction from within our family? Personally; I think it is extremely difficult. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you spend much of your life searching for something you feel has been missing….peace, a sense of normalcy, or belonging. You can travel thousands of miles away to try to escape what you consider to be the main reason for your unhappiness. Think of some famous people who have been in the news lately. (Hints: couple, British, American.) At some point though, you do have to confront whatever issues you are dealing with. The crazy inexplicable thing about the universe is: ‘Like attracts like.’ You find yourself drawn to people with complicated histories like your own. When you first meet these individuals, whether friends or lovers, you do not know instantaneously that they also have complex family relationships they are dealing with. Nevertheless; you find each other. I have always been fascinated by this. Even more so, as I get older. I think we are subconsciously drawn to people whose life’s journey is similar to our own, because we feel they can somehow understand us more and we will therefore find acceptance. Kindred spirits, so to speak.

So, I say to the people whose lives have been ‘good times and noodles salad’ (figuratively speaking), be grateful….you have half of the battle won. Life is hard enough without having to deal with incessant family chaos and dysfunction. It permeates every aspect of your life even when you try to run from it. When you are young, you think at some point; this will end, but sadly, that is not quite the case. The problem is; the individuals creating a lot of the chaos and dysfunction do not acknowledge there is a problem,  and if they eventually do, sometimes it is too late. In the intervening years, they have caused rifts in relationships (including marriages), sadness, and general discord. More often than not, there will never be any acknowledgement or responsibility for pain caused, or any apology. At times, even if the conflict subsides as we get older, you end up feeling a sense of disconnect from people who are your own blood. Sadly, too many needless battles and too many years lost.

I want to try to end on a positive note. I would say to anyone who is going through a situation such as the one I described….sometimes you just  have to save yourself. Do not blame yourself for circumstances you did not create, or for that matter, allow it to ruin your life. Do not spend decades trying to fix a situation that is unfixable, as sad as that may sound. You are entitled to be happy. Create your joy. Although the tendency can sometimes be (for some) to get into other dysfunctional relationships when out on your own, resist the urge to go back down the rabbit hole. Try to surround yourself with calm, compassionate, loving people. Certainly look for that in a partner. You need that when coming from a dysfunctional family.